Gavin is Shaking in his Cole Haans

SfGate Culture Blog's own Beth Spotswood delivers a humorous account of mayoral candidates who met Friday's deadline as well as a few who are conspicuously did not:

Gavin is Shaking in his Cole Haans

Mayor Gavin Newsom confuses his opponent Chicken John with his favorite hobo, Patches.
So I guess now we know who is officially running for Mayor of San Francisco, as Friday was the filing deadline. Looks like we've got incumbent and love of my life Gavin Newsom, who, because it's God's will, is obviously going to win.

And then a total freak show.

That little Josh "Jailbait" Wolf is running, and actually, I find it kind of charming because he uses just as much hair product as Gavin. Josh claims that if elected, he's going to wear a video camera to work, which I'm envisioning being attached to some kind of helmet, thus ruining his faux-hawk.

Supervisor Tony Hall of 'Tony Hall and the Hallmarks' is running. I have no idea what his platform is, but the man rocks one hell of a bunny-hop.

Then there's some dude named Chicken John. I think that kinda speaks for itself.
Grasshopper Kaplan, the hobo taxi driver, thinks he's got a shot. I just don't get how he can prove he lives in San Francisco. We've also got a nudist, a sex club owner and h. brown, who wears his medicinal weed badge like a prom corsage.

The hottie contingent includes Lonnie Holmes and Quintin Mecke, and I'll admit a weakness for the pretty boys. I've just never heard of these two and I'm got to see them in a couple more outfits before I take them seriously.

Finally, there's Wilma, Ahimsa and Billy Bob. Who? What? Why? Really, San Francisco?
Let me just give a shout out to Chris Daly and Matt Gonzalez right now.

You both are bitches.

I mean it.

You know I love Gavin. He's my total boyfriend/future ex-husband. But come ON. Put your (not very much) money where your (hippie, smelly) mouth is.

Some dude named "Chicken John" is running against your nemesis for Mayor of the very city to which you claim to be so deeply and selflessly devoted. When push comes to shove, you both -- appropriately enough -- chicken out.

Lame. Seriously. Lame.

I'm unimpressed. I never want to hear another word from either of you again. Tho, Matt's been kinda quiet lately anyway. Maybe he's been focusing on his art.

So, Chris Daly, who I SO looked forward to writing about, you are a big, chicken-s--- tease who can apparently give it, but not take it.

If you are going to flip out at Board meetings and accuse Hottie McRehab of being a crack whore, then at least have the balls to drop 5K and prove you can do it better. Otherwise, what's the point? You kinda remind me of that guy from the Sopranos. What's his name? Oh, yeah...

Beth Spotswood describes herself as "The 29-year-old equivalent of Dorothy from The Golden Girls." She spends her free time pretending not to stare at crazy people screaming on San Francisco's sidewalks. Originally from Marin, Beth now lives in the Mission and doesn't get why people are so into burritos. You can find Beth here every Wednesday at noon, and at I'll Flip You. Flip You For Real, where "The opinions expressed are ridiculous and in no way reflect anything of value. Do not take them seriously..."

SFGate Post By: Beth Spotswood (Email) August 15 2007 at 12:00 PM

Photo Credit: Deanne Fitzmaurice / The Chronicle