Sunday, July 8, 2007

Sidewalk Super Heroes

Have you mugged your liberal today?

That’s what it’s gonna take turn their vapidly inflated minds around. They're getting on my last NIRVANA. Vegans walking to work. Patting themselves on the wallet for a job well done. Transcendentally levitating over the homeless who live on our sidewalks. Shelter one and another 100 will show up at your door. Like treating syphilis sores with iodine.

Why change our oil, when you can loosen the lamp indicator on your dashboard? Pop Aspirin in place of root canal? Or, dial 311 Non-Emergency? Does Dominoes deliver on Super Bowl Sunday? Yes, if you order on Saturday. Like SFPD, they’re overwhelmed and undermanned. The City's set up to answer on the first ring and no show.

May I please get the cross streets and a description of the suspect defecating
in your doorway? Thanks. We’ve only two delivery vehicles on duty; we’ll get to
your order as soon as soon we humanly can.

The reality bites! It's time to crossover to the land of make believe where two demensional comicbook can help you from point A to B. While Gavin tackles water bottles, plastic bags and chewing gum, artfully sidestepping real issues like homeless and homicides with aplomb, our Sidewalk Superheroes will battle for clean, safe streets.


The Mayor: whose plastic powers can dissolve chewing gum on contact. Slimy hair gel can lube him into and out of the stickiest of high-viscosity breakdowns.

The Chief: can make herself disappear in any crisis situation. Then, just like magic – presto! She magically resurfaces out from under Gavin’s body shield for another photo shoot.

The Sanitizer: mild mannered Travis Bickle, by day turns to scrubbing bubbles at the first sign of trouble. Prepared to sit, spin and wash all the scum off the streets of San Francisco.

The Sidewalk Czar: clad in naru jacket and fez with clean straight lines and not an unnecessary pocket out of place wields with zero-tolerance iron fist to crush any obstacle in your daily march from panhandlers to sidewalk signs… signs… signs, everywhere is signs.

The Sidewalk Surfer: can slalom with graceful ease to carve through chalk outlines of homeless and crowds of tourist who can’t KEEP RIGHT! Look for him to sail onto bookshelves soon, shredding and threading together strangest of adventures in upcoming Sidewalk Super Heroes: ‘The Vigilante,’ ‘Bum Squad’ and ‘Trany Spotting.’

No comments: