Mayor's Chinese Dragons

Is San Francisco becoming a Gatored Community?

In a continuing effort to combat urban blight and homeless encampments, Mayor Gavin Newsom approved legislation to purchase 2500 Floridian Alligators to be released by the Public Utilities Commission and 1000 Komodo Dragons (the world’s heaviest lizards at 10 feet, 200 Lbs.) for the Recreation & Park Commission.

The mayor credits trips to Manila, Osaka, Davos and even NYC for stimulating a ‘Mayoral Renaissance’ in which we hope to bring home the ‘Best-of-the-Best’ to make our City even better.

The Komodo’s prodigious appetite will take a bite out of crime!

Newsom says a 90 lb dragon can eat a 100 lb crack addict or tagger in less than 20 minutes. With that kind of production, the dragons should eat through our 1500 homeless in record time!

As with the Mexican Fan Palms introduced to the Mission’s aesthetic nearly a year ago, Newsom says he chose the Komodo Dragons with Japantown’s rich cultural heritage in mind as dragons evoke a ‘Survival of the Fittest’ solution to controlling our growing homeless population - long inhabiting parks, sidewalks, living under overpasses and amongst the our famed buildings within the Civic Center and Tenderloin neighborhoods.

Newsom added, these Carnivores are exactly the kind of Dark Ages ‘Out-of-the-Box’ thinking, tailor-made for a Green, Progressive City like San Francisco and the sister-cities across the bay who have already turned to sheep as a low cost alternative to lawn mowers.

Like maggots treating gangrene, these nocturnal bottom-feeders were bred to feed on the very downtrodden, social decay that has long eaten away our City's taxes, tourism for years leaving us to grapple with AIDS, TB and Malaria outbreaks.

Manhattan, albeit by accident, was the first to turn to reptiles for homeless control. It was once a fad among New Yorkers vacationing in Florida to bring back baby alligators for their children to raise as pets. The infant gators would outlive their cuteness, sad to say, at which point their desperate owners would flush them down the toilet.

Some of the gators survived the dank sewer system and bred, producing scattered colonies of full-grown alligators. Mayor Rudy Giuliani attributed pockets of declining crime rates throughout the city to the alligators. He lauched Gator Aid purchasing 2500 alligators and strategically releasing them within the sewer lines and parks.

Their descendants live down there to this day. According to some reports the animals are blind and afflicted with albinism and have grown to enormous size.